Better Than a Bargain...

You know how you make plans and then God changes them around?  That used to irritate me a bit, but now I love it!  

So my sister came out on Wednesday to go with me to chemo on Thursday.  Well, what do sisters do the day before treatment?  They hit a few thrift stores, of course.

 (And by the way, all went well during my first new treatment.  I didn't have an allergic reaction to the new drug and though my hands and feet were numb from ice, I survived).  

So we were planning on her coming out to my house on Wednesday morning after she babysat her grandkids and then we would run to a few thrift stores.  But she got delayed and it didn't happen.  So instead, I was able to spend the morning with a friend also living with cancer -- and boy did she tell me another great story I will share with you one day.  She's the missionary mom I blogged about a few months ago whose doctor told her she was unable to have kids and then 17 years later, she was blessed with three of them.  Her other story also falls into the "I know that I know that God is real" category again.  It's a doozy.

So while I was at her house, my sister called to tell me she was running late.  So instead of meeting my sister, I left my friend's house and went to the mall.  One of my nurses suggested that I shouldn't wear anything tight on my body three days after treatment --  no belt, no bra -- so considering my daily "uniform" is jeans and a t-shirt,  I went to the mall to buy some floral button down shirts that would camaflouge the fact that I'm going braless (don't be jealous ladies-- another perk of cancer!)

So while standing in line at JC Penney (yes, I love shopping there!) I realized the woman standing next to me had a scarf and a hat on her head.  So I tapped her on the arm and asked her if she was going through chemo.  She said she had just finished up and was starting radiation next week.  So I reached into my purse and handed her one of my necklaces.  She said she was a Christian and we gave each other a hug.   

Well, I received an email from her last night and I wanted to share it with you --

Hi Ruthie,

 

My name is Claire, and we met in JC Penney's on Wednesday, you gave me a necklace at the checkout counter :)  I can't begin to tell you what a blessing it was, and what perfect timing God has.  I needed encouragement and there you were!  And then for the woman in line behind me to tell me she is a 24 year survivor was exactly the reassurance I needed.  God is so good!  I cried when I got outside, full of joy in the knowledge of God's love for us, and His mercy and grace.  Through this journey with cancer I have returned to my first love, my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, and the blessings he has rained down on me have been incredible.  And now you are another blessing in my life, as God used you to remind me that He is always with me and always caring for my needs.  I went to your blog and read your story, and will be praying for you daily!!

 

God bless you!! 

Claire :)

So much better than a bargain, huh?

I wanted to share her email with you to again revel in the fact that God will meet us in the most unsuspecting places (JC Penneys!) to reassure us of His love and care for us.  Her email just sums up what God has done for me, and so many of my friends, while He carries us through this thing called cancer.

He just blows me away.  

I just re-ordered all of my supplies last week so my Mom and I can make more necklaces.  And as I hand them out, I'm not always sure how they're received.  

But my job is just to hand them out.  

God will do the rest.

And in case you're wondering, my sister and I did hit a few thrift stores after my treatment.  (A little chemo can't stop that!)  I scored a blue cashmere sweater for $2, a black Ann Taylor sweater for $3, a set of old bread tins for $4, an old set of measuring spoons for $2 and a pile of great books for a quarter each!  

But I'll take Claire's email over a $2 cashmere sweater anyday!

 

All Because of Birds...

This week has been a difficult one.  Not so much because the cancer is still there and I start treatment again next week, but because I long to be obedient to God's will.   And that's a tough one when you feel you have lost sight of it or feel as if you need to be reminded of it again.  And let's face it -- I've got chemo brain -- and I'm in need of a good reminder.  

But let me back track a bit.  For those of you who have read this blog for awhile, you may know that food has played an integral role in my new life with cancer.  After I was initially diagnosed, I learned that cancer thrived on sugar.  So I quit sugar cold turkey.  Good-bye chocolate almond ice cream, Chips Ahoy and Costco's chocolate muffins.  Hello blueberries.

Then after my first recurrence, I learned of a Christian guy who abhorred chemo and felt that eating a raw diet was the cure to cancer.  As I spent hours reading his blog, he also mentioned that one should pray about such a decision before foregoing chemo and juicing all day.   But I found myself juicing all day.

Soon after, I found my way to a center in Chicago that believed in an integrative approach to cancer.  A plant-based diet, supplements, exercise, low stress -- all the stuff we know to do, but don't -- is what they advocated.  And I did it.  Until chemo began.  And then because I had that icky taste in my mouth, I couldn't stomach taking 50 supplements a day and eating salads for breakfast.  I remember telling my Dad after my second treatment, "Grab your car keys, get in your car and go get me some bagels and cream cheese."  I basically put a gun to the guy's head.  When he returned, I ate three of them in five minutes.  No lie.

So when I learned that my cancer had grown after not following a strict raw or vegan diet, I thought I had been disobedient to God.  That also made me think, Maybe I shouldn't have done chemo either.  I began second guessing myself as to what I've felt God's will has been for me while on this journey.  And I felt as if I was back to square one.  And, trust me, that's a horrible place to be.  And I've been there all week.  And my fervent prayer has been for God to clearly illuminate my path.

So after reading this, you're probably wondering why I titled this post, "All Because of Birds."  You are probably thinking that a bird dropped a note out of its beak while I was reading my Bible that read, "Eat Raw!"  Nope.  I received something better.  But again, I must back track a bit.

So a few months back, as I was sitting in my backyard, I decided that I wanted to make a sign and hang it near my bird feeder.   I thought it would be nice to write the verse that referenced God and his care of the birds.  But given my extremely limited knowledge of scripture, I had to ask my friend and her husband if they knew of the scripture I was thinking of and where it was found in the Bible.  Looking back, (again, chemo brain) I think they both said, "Matthew", but they weren't exactly sure of the verse.  

OK, so that leads me back to today.  So after having a week from hell without the heat, I decided that I would just rest today.  My plan was to get Rachel off to school, run just a couple of errands, watch a movie (Secretariat) and read magazines.  Basically, just veg.  But when you're desperately seeking God's will, you can't just veg.  

So I grabbed my Bible and again headed to the backyard.  (I find such peace back there, I tell ya.)  As I sat down, my tears began to flow.  And didn't stop.  I began by thanking God because I KNEW He would direct my path.  I knew it.  Whether it was today or next year, I know that He does not ignore those who depend on Him.   And I told Him that I was sorry for my tears.  Because my tears represented frustration, not lack of faith.  And I was desperate to be obedient to His will.

Through my tears, I began to turn to the Psalms.  I again read Psalms 20 and 21, the scriptures in which I believe God promised me healing on September 11, 2011.  

I can't read those enough.

I then found my way to Matthew, remembering about the sign I had wanted to make and hearing several birds chirping just a few feet away from me.   I thought it was highly unlikely that I would find that scripture, though my eyes initially scanned for the word "birds."  I then stumbled upon a section in my Bible that I had circled three years ago that read, "Seven Reasons Not to Worry."  Well, of course this caught my attention as that's all I've done this week.  

And that section directed me to 
Matthew 6:26 --

"Look at the birds.  They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them.  And aren't you far more valuable to him than they are?  Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?"

And then to Matthew 6:31 --

"So don't worry about these things saying, "What will we eat?  What will we drink? What will we wear?  These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows your needs.  Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and He will give you everything you need."

My heart just melted.  My tears dried up.  And I sat in utter amazement that the God of this universe just answered the cries of this Mom in her backyard.  Because this Mom has been freaking out over cancer and her diet -- big time.  

Does this mean I will do something stupid like eat chocolate almond ice cream for breakfast and dinner despite the fact that I know cancer loves sugar?  Absolutely not.  What this means to me is that I will take care of the body that God has given me.  To the best of my ability.  I will eat as healthy as I can but will not obsess over the foods I eat or the type of shampoo I use.  For they won't be responsible for my healing.  

God will.

If you are reading this and have cancer, I urge you to pray for God's will regarding your treatment.   Those living with cancer get so bombarded with so many well intentioned people saying, "Try this herb!" "See this doctor!" "Eat this food!" -- it's utterly overwhelming.   I believe God heals in many different ways.  As a result, seek His face.  Run to Him.  Seek his will for YOUR life and don't stop until your heavenly Father answers you.

And if you are reading this and know of someone who has cancer, please pray for guidance for the many decisions that lie ahead of them.  As the necklace says, 
 "can't do cancer without God."

I know this was a very long post.  But I pray that it helps many who read it.  Whether you have cancer or not.

Again, one of my favorite verses --

"Draw near to Him and He will draw near to you."

James 4.8

So grab your Bible and head for the backyard.  

He just might be waiting for you.

Time in the Shade...

Well, apparently this girl has a "chronic disorder" as my oncologists like to call it.   Chronic meaning "persisting for a long time or constantly recurring."

Apparently my cancer is persisting.  And chemo begins again next week.

Now before you gasp, know that I did not. 

As my doctor told Ed and I the news this morning, I again had peace. 

 And truth be told, I live really well with cancer.  I really do.  

It brings me an intimacy with God that I cherish.  And as we all know, when life returns to normal, the busy-ness of life creeps back in.  
And I hate the busy-ness of life. 

 But I love the intimacy of God.

So the deal is this:

The last 12 rounds of chemo did a good job, but not a great job, as there is still cancer that is now resistent to the first two types of treatment I received.  

So I will be given a new one.

And this one sounds better than the last one.  

I will keep my ever-so beautiful hair (so kidding, as you know I have a love-hate relationship with it), I will have treatments once a month for six months or more (not every two weeks like before) and I will continue seeing my doctor in Westlake, so very close to home.  

The icky taste in my mouth will be gone (hip, hip, hooray) and the side effects should be quite tolerable.  

The one thing I will need to do while on this regimen is limit

 my time in the sun. 

  I guess hanging out at the beach all summer is out.  Dang-it!

Can you hear my toes rejoicing right now?  

(In case you don't know, I CAN'T STAND the feeling of sand on my feet!) 

At first, I thought, Oh, no -- I just l-o-v-e being out in my garden, sitting in my chair, spending time with God, reading a good book, basking in the flowers, watching the colorful birds, using ol' Tucker as an ottoman while he watches the colorful birds.  And then I realized that as of yesterday morning, Gregg (you know Gregg!) created a new shade covering to place over our pergola in the backyard.  It's made of drop cloths (so are the curtains)
 that are all the rage right now. 

 And I just love how it all turned out.

So this girl with a "chronic disorder" gets to continue spending time in her cozy garden while safely sitting out of the sun's rays.  

God's timing is good. 

So that is my update.  

I thought I would be writing it -- oh say -- several years from now.  But I'm learning to trust God and His timing.

Again, I look forward to continuing to write about this ongoing journey.  And to think I thought I might be out of material soon.  
I guess not!

As always, thanks for continuing to read my words.  And above all else, thanks for lifting us up in prayer. 

 You guys are the absolute best!

A Gift Idea for 50% Off!

About three years ago, the words "can't do cancer without God" came into my mind soon after my diagnosis.  And once those words landed in my brain, I couldn't get them out.  

So I had a t-shirt made. 

I made several for me and have given several away as gifts.  I had asked a talented girlfriend of mine to make the image for me (thanks, Bethany!) and then I put it on Zazzle (an on-line company that makes personalized items).  I just recently added the Zazzle link back on the home page of my blog and saw that a t-shirt sold this morning.

Once on their site, I saw that Zazzle is offering a 50% discount in honor of Mother's Day.  But it expires today.  I just ordered a tank top and with shipping, it cost me $14.  And if your order is over $50, your shipping is free too (use their shipping code).

So if your sweet mom is living with cancer or you've been trying to think of a way to bless a girlfriend or sister with the same diagnosis, maybe consider getting them a t-shirt or tote bag for Mother's Day.  Click here to order by today to receive the discount: http://zazzle.com/ruthiemarek5

In addition, please remember that my Mom and I make the "can't do cancer without God" bottle cap necklaces and send them (for free) to anyone who would like one (see the photo to the left?).  Just email me your friend or relative's name and address and a necklace will be in the mail for them asap.  

In case you don't know (because I don't), Mother's Day is May 13th (I just had to look on my calendar).   And I just noticed something -- how nice of my son's baseball league to schedule a game on Mother's Day at 8:30 am.  8:30 A.M.!  Clearly, Dads run this league, not Moms.  Guess I won't be sleeping in 'til noon that day!  Wait, when have I ever done that?  1985 I think.  

Happy early Mother's Day!

Amy...

When I began speaking after my first cancer diagnosis, I never spoke to rooms filled with cancer patients.  But rather, I spoke to rooms filled with moms.   And I told them that God had given me peace throughout this journey.   That He extended His hand out to mine.  That he carried me in His arms.   That I wasn't doing this thing called cancer alone.   And they got it.  Not because they had cancer, but because they too were on their own journey.  Maybe a divorce.  Maybe a tough marriage.  Maybe the loss of a job.  Maybe the loss of a child.  
A journey's a journey.  Cancer or not.


I have a friend named Amy who has cancer.   God introduced us last year in the parking lot of our church.  I never, repeat never, park in a particular section of the parking lot.  But I did on this day.  Coincidence?  I think not.

She too emails her family and friends about her journey.   And right now, it's up hill.   And though her body may be frail from fighting this fight, her spirit is not.  I wanted you to read the last paragraph of her most recent email to all of us.

"You know me, I must preach a little.  Jesus is worthy of all praise, glory and honor.  I am 'mad as a hornet' at cancer, but I still know He will use it for more than I ask or imagine.  In the midst of the pain, He comforts.  In the midst of confusion, He guides.  When I can not, He can.  When doctors are powerless, He heals.  When all seems hopeless, my hope is in the LORD!  Cancer is cruel, but God is not.  He IS my life, and I am thankful He is giving me this opportunity to know Him more."

Wow.

She's not focusing on her circumstances.  Though she could.  She's focused on Him.  Despite everything.

I share this email with all of you knowing most of you don't have cancer.  But maybe, right now, you're battling something else.
 Regardless, Amy's words apply.  
Beautifully.  
Despite our storm, He is our umbrella.  

Amy lives in Newbury Park and has two little ones under the age of 4.   If you ever find yourself wanting to reach out to someone, but don't know who or how, I encourage you to bless this mom with yourself.   Remember, you are a gift to others!  Your time, your talents, your mercy.   Her last email spoke of needing rides and household help.  And prayer.  Amy loves prayer.   Her email can be found at lotsahelpinghands.com under Amy's Village.   Or email me, and I'll forward it on to her.

I bought a picture frame today.  
Amy's words are going in it.  

12 Down, 0 To Go...

Well, the day has finally arrived.

  I'm having my last treatment as I write this post.   I've had a total of 12 treatments over five months.  It's gone by incredibly fast.  You wouldn't think it would, but it does.  And it's funny, I think my family and friends are more excited than I am.   

I don't terribly mind treatment.  Weird, I know.

After I passed out little bouquets of flowers to my nurses and a baking book to my nurse who is a master cake pop maker (and who's skilled at giving pain-free shots and drawing and getting blood when no one else can), I settled into my big chemo recliner and decided to write this post now rather than later.

In anticipation of completing my treatment, I have found myself asking the question,  "What have I learned during this diagnosis that I didn't already learn during my first diagnosis?"  The answer?  Nothing.  
Nothing new, that is.

What I continue to know is that God is with me on this road called cancer.  I am so not walking it alone.   I've faired quite well on this leg of treatment and I owe it all to Him.  

Again, I'm a wimp.  

Not strong.  

Not courageous.  

Hate roller coasters.  

You know the drill.  

However, He has provided me with strength, peace and hope.  Three things so necessary to fair well on this road called cancer.  And this road called life.  
Three things one doesn't often have without Him.  

He is my everything.

Just yesterday, I heard something that hit home.  When I heard it, I just knew it was a nugget of wisdom.  I was having lunch to celebrate a friend's birthday and sat next to a woman I had just met.  (By the way, all who attended the lunch were cancer survivors).  As the discussion turned to, 
"If you could, would you choose to go through this again?" 
she said something I will never forget.   (Well, knowing me, I may forget so remind me if I have to ask you!)
  She said, "I tell people we don't go through it.  
We grow through it."  

I loved that.  

We grow through it.

I talk to God every day, all day.  Pretty much always have.  And the one thing I am thanking Him for lately is my growth.  In these last two years, I have grown.  Not a ton, but a tad.   I see myself as a little baby sprout.  A baby sprout that has big ambitions of one day turning into a little ol' bush.  And then, just maybe, into a tree.  Can't imagine ever becoming an oak. 
 Just a little ficus tree would do.  

But for right now, I relish just being a sprout.  

With really green leaves.

But more important than that question is this question.  

What have I taught others through this second diagnosis? 

 It's not all about me, you know!

I do my best, wherever I go, to sprinkle seeds of faith.  Maybe I give someone a necklace.  Maybe I strike up a conversation.  Maybe I wear my "can't do cancer without God" t-shirt to treatment.  

God has specifically placed me in the Westlake office near my home instead of down at Cedars this time.  And I've met some really wonderful people who I can visit with so easily.  I hope many wonderful friendships are a result from being so close to home.  

 With God at the very heart of all of them.

But one thing I know for sure is that I want to try and keep my treatment schedule as my new Thursday schedule.  

I relish the six hours of relaxation at chemo.  

Legs kicked up in a recliner, writing, reading, listening to music.  Connecting with others.  That's good stuff.  I plan on continuing that every other Thursday in my house from 8 to 2.

With no guilt.  And no laundry!

So again, I take this time to thank all of you for all of your help over these last five months.  So many tears are floating in my eyes right now just typing these words that I can't even see to type any more.  

I thank you for your thoughtfulness and for remembering me.  And my family.  For taking my kids and occupying them so they don't sit with me all weekend following my treatments while I gorge on watching The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.  

Thank you for the encouraging emails.  And the cards.  And the flower arrangements left on my front porch (just like the one I found today and used in the above photo.) 

You'll never know how very much your kindness touches me.  

I'm trying to duplicate your random acts of kindness for others.

Just a few days ago, I offered to do a Costco run for a friend of mine who has cancer.  I then asked my kids to join me to deliver her 80-pound bottle of Spray 'n Wash and bags of organic carrots.  

When Jake was saying his prayers last night, he added, "And thank you that we could help Mom's friend today.  And thank you that we'll be able to help more people who need our help."

Hello?  Why don't I keep a box of Kleenex on Jake's nightstand?  For me!

Look, cancer has been a good thing in my life.  

For so many reasons. 

And, initially, I hated to hear the words "chemo" and "cancer" come out of my kids' mouths.  (I now use the word "treatment" as often as I can - I like that one better.)  But I have seen growth in them as well as in me.  

A growth towards compassion.  

Towards kindness.  

Towards God.  

And I'll take that stuff all day long.  

I'm not sure how much we would have seen without this trial in our lives.  But by placing it in God's so very capable hands, we're able to give Him all the glory.  

And all the gratitude.

So to all of you, I thank you!

And to God, I couldn't have done it without you!

Forgiveness...

Yesterday we received a beautiful bouquet of tulips from friends of ours wishing us all a happy Easter.   Bright yellow and purple tulips just screamed "Easter" when I saw them.  Well, I can rarely leave a large bouquet sitting in the vase it arrived in.  So I started making smaller arrangements and placing them throughout our home.

As I was cutting down the last group of tulips, there was a knock at our door.  There sat a container of petunias on my door step.  Behind them stood my neighbor.  His wife had recently passed away and these petunias were the last flowers she had planted.  

"I'm not real good at taking care of her flowers," he said.  "Although I think I've done ok so far.  But I thought maybe you would like them."

I assured him that I would take good care of them, and that I would put them somewhere in my front yard so he could always see them when he walks by.   

I wanted to share this story with you before Easter, not after.  Because Easter means redemption.  Foregiveness.  And this story does too.

You see, my neighbor and I didn't actually get off on the right foot soon after we moved in.  We've had a few exchanges over the years.  Exchanges which I am totally ashamed of.  

But soon after my cancer diagnosis, I felt such a need to apologize to a few of my neighbors.  Many years ago, I could speak my mind if pushed a little too far.  And when I did, I was mean and hurtful.  

But when I heard that his wife had recently passed away, I did something that surprised me.  Shocked me, even.  I found myself making him a plate of biscuits, bacon and fruit to bring over to him following her funeral.  He wasn't home, but I left it with his daughter.

The next day, I found a note in my mailbox from him.  He wrote some of the kindest words on it.  They brought tears to my eyes.  Since then, we wave to one another when passing each other's homes and even exchange a few words when I'm out gardening.  Good ones, that is!

I think we've both learned that life is too short to stay mad.   

And I certainly have learned that I need to offer forgiveness to others because Jesus offers forgiveness to me.  Sounds real corny, huh?    

But oh so true.

That's actually one of the first things I did when cancer entered my life.  I sat down and wrote apologies to a few people who needed to read my words. 

 Four to be exact.  

And it was one of the best things I've ever done. 

I try and live my life the way Jesus would have lived.   Try being the operative word.  And don't always succeed.   

As I brought the petunias into the house, I looked at my daughter who was standing by the door.  "I guess you're going to blog about this," she said. 

 "You got that right, sister!" I said as I headed over to the computer. 

She remembers the years when I didn't look in my neighbor's direction.  

Now maybe she can remember the years of two neighbors who may just become friends.

All because of forgiveness.