Older and Wiser...

Well, today this girl turns 46.  I’m the baby of the family (I have two older sisters -- but I won’t say how much older).   And it’s weird when the baby is 46 years old.  Yeek.  But I’ll tell you something, given my latest challenge, this girl isn't gonna complain about getting older!  Bring it on!  Wrinkles, double chins, bat wings and all!

I lost one of my best friends at the age of 39.  He was a father to four great kids.  We had grown up next door to each other and had remained great friends for all those years. I loved him dearly.  A few months later, I turned 40.  Friends asked me if I had a problem with turning the big 4-0.  “Nope, grateful to be alive and a Mom,” was my answer.  Forty shmorty.  Numbers mean nothing to me.  In fact, I can never remember how old I am anyway, so it doesn’t really matter. 

So this morning, I woke up and went on a walk with my daughter up to the Coffee Bean.  This old lady is trying desperately to exercise every day and eat better.  Not always successful, but I'm trying.  On the way home, I listened to Pandora.  Know of this?  It’s fantastic!  It’s an app you get on your iphone and once you type in a song you like, it automatically plays other similar songs -- for free!   So Rachel typed in one of my faves, “Who Am I?" by Casting Crowns and then a few songs later, up came “While I'm Waiting“ by John Waller.  I’d never heard of it before.  It’s now my favorite.   Give it a listen.  

The chorus is the best.

And see the picture above?  I took it while walking home.  Two little sticks crossed on the sidewalk to remind me of how much I love the Lord and how much he loves Me.  Too sweet.

So I wanted to share something with you.  
Two days from now will mark my three-year anniversary of living with cancer.  It’s amazing.  It feels as if I’ve had it my whole life, in some weird way.  And I'm so grateful of how things have changed because of this diagnosis.  So grateful.  I wouldn’t take my old life back for nothin’!  

Here's why:

I feel more alive than ever before.  Even though I have toxic medicine running through my veins, I've never felt better. 

 I cry at the drop of a hat.  And rarely tears of sadness.  God’s love and goodness are so clear to me now that it makes me cry like a baby.  In fact, I just recently bought a travel-sized package of Oil of Olay make-up removers to keep in my car because that’s where I do most of my crying.  I have to remove the mascara marks that run through my blush and then reapply it again.  But that’s OK.   

I feel closer to God than ever before.  He has clearly shown His love for me through these challenging days.  That blows me away.  Every. Single. Time.  

I now get what's important and what's not important.  

And for a girl who has wasted her days with unimportance
 (a lot!), I cherish this new life with such a new outlook.

And finally, I begin my days with:

Before cancer, a good day used to be filled with stuff.  Stuff that wasted my time.  Stuff that meant nothing.  Stuff that made me lose sight of what was important.  Now, my days are filled with meaning.  Serving others, helping others.  And growing.  All I want to do is grow in my faith. 

  But please don't read into this that ALL of my days are filled with serving others.  Just ask my husband.  :)

So in closing my post today, I just want to thank all of you for the many birthday texts and emails I have received.  In fact, I just got a phone call a second ago from my favorite florist, The English Garden.  They wanted to schedule a flower delivery for this afternoon.  Be still my heart.  

You guys bless me more than you will ever know. 

And as they say in the South, I love ya’ll!
Oh, and before I forget, we found out last week that my new regimen is working.  My tumor markers are down 50%!

Jesus at Goodwill...

So as I ran over this morning to pick up the paper I had ordered to make more cancer necklaces, I couldn’t resist popping into the Goodwill next door.  Remember, I need to get my exercise.  :)

Well, low and behold, look what I found!  A brand new Jesus Calling book.  My fave.  For $2.49!  I buy these daily devotionals in bulk and give them out like Halloween candy.  Costco is even carrying them now.  I recently wrote the manager and thanked him for stocking it.  Never heard back, but that’s OK.  I’m a big believer in writing to people and thanking them for something they’ve done for you.   I needed to thank Costco because they carry the book for $7.99 and I was paying over $13 a book with shipping. 

So on the way home, I was thinking how fun it was to find this book at Goodwill, and then I thought, how sad is it that I found this book at Goodwill.  It was brand new.  The spine hadn’t even been cracked open.  They have no idea what they gave away.  So sad.

You see, this little book is just so precious to me.   Can you imagine having the opportunity of meeting Jesus at Starbucks for just 10 minutes before running errands and hitting the pilates studio?  What would He say to you in 10 minutes outside under the umbrella table?  How would He tell you that He adores you over a grande drip with cream and no sugar?  What nuggets of wisdom could he in part to you while eating a cake pop?   (Go on, admit it - you’ve eaten one or two of those yummy things before!)

Let’s say you met up with Him on September 1st.  He would have told you this:

“Seek Me with your whole being.  I desire to be found by you, and I orchestrate the events of your life with that purpose in mind.  When things go well and you are blessed, you can feel Me smiling on you.  When you encounter rough patches along your journey, trust that My light is still shining upon you.  My reasons for allowing these adversities may be shrouded in mystery, but My continual presence with you is an absolute promise.  Seek Me in good times; seek Me in hard times.  You will find Me watching over you all of the time.”

Maybe a month or so later, on October 17th, He'll split a blueberry oat bar with you.  He would have shared this little tidbit with you:

“Anxiety is a result of envisioning the future without Me.  So the best defense against worry is staying in communication with Me.  When you turn your thoughts toward Me, you can think much more positively.  Remember to listen, as well as to speak, making your thoughts a dialogue with Me.”

Good stuff.  It’s like Tuesdays with Morrie.  Only it’s every day with Jesus.  I think that’s better.

So the next time you’re buying way too many beef taquitos at Costco, maybe head on over to the book department and spend the best $7.49 you’ll ever spend.  

P.S.  I spent a whopping $9 on all of these books at Goodwill:  

God's Promises & Answers

The Life of Jesus (I promise to read this!)

Married for Life, and

The Greatest Sailing Stories Ever Told (not for me).

Hi Ya'll!

Well, we are home!

And all I want to say is "Ya'll!"  

"Ya'll want breakfast?  Ya'll want to help me take these suitcases upstairs?  Ya'll want to go on a walk later?"

This California girl wants to be a Southern girl!

And as soon as I'm done blogging, I'm going on Netflix and ordering the movie “Steel Magnolias” for Rachel to watch.  Because for the last seven days, I've felt as if we've been in it!

The cast of characters include Sandy and Cheryl (Donna’s funny and sweet Southern sisters), “Nanny” (Donnna’s momma who I can barely understand as she’s as original as they come!) and all their Southern girlfriends who say, “Y’all,” “Fixin’” and 

“Kee-yute!” (Californian for “cute.”)

Our days were spent shopping, shopping and shopping.  Poor Rachel, I’m sure, wanted to pull out her eyeballs and throw them in a tree.  But between the antique stores and the boutiques, we were treated to a good ol’ hometown Friday night football game (go North Hall Trojans!) and met so many of their dear friends.  One in particular, a beautiful woman named Jane, lived in a 10,000 square foot to-die-for Southern home.  It was filled with everything we buy at antique stores, but every item actually belonged to her family. She had her "Gran-Gran's" childhood books, tables and reading glasses.  Jane was the quintessential Southern lady who I just fell in love with. 

 We also spent our time getting to know Sandy’s three handsome boys.   They have been beautifully raised as the perfect Southern gentlemen.  And yes, they're all available ladies!  (Well, Matt is only 15 so I'm hoping he and Rachel may have a future one day!)  And I just l-o-v-e-d hearing their deep-voiced Southern drawl when they said, “Yes, Ma’am.”  I ate that up I tell ya!  Is it too late to teach my kids to say that to me? Or to teach Ed?  :)

At night, I found myself in a sweatshirt walking around Sandy’s neighborhood.  Picture Sherwood, but affordable!  As soon as I would be alone, the tears would just sting my eyes as I was just so grateful to be on this trip.  My body feels great, I’ve had no side effects from this new chemo regimen and my feet have always wanted to walk on Georgia soil.  To put it simply, it was seven days of pure joy.

However, on the fifth day of our trip, I experienced joy times a trillion!  Yes, I said a trillion!  For that is the day we drove to Dunwoody, Georgia to the First Baptist Church of Atlanta to hear my boy Dr. Charles Stanley preach.  Can I just tell you that I was freaking out!  With a capital F!  When I heard him preaching in the 9:00 service (we had arrived early for the 10:30 service), I could not believe that he was actually there.  Or that I was actually there!  Hearing his voice.  In person.  Not through a car radio.  Not on my bathroom radio.  Unreal.  And when we sat down in the sixth row, front and center, and he came out to sit down while the choir sang, I just about died.  I could not wipe that giddy smile off my face.   And his sermon was on “Your Constant Companion” (the Holy Spirit) and the Gifts of the Spirit.  I ate up every single word of it.

Had I had a chance to speak with Dr. Stanley, I would have told him that his words have impacted my life greatly since my cancer diagnosis.  “Obey God and leave all the consequences to Him” you know is my favorite.  I also love, “Fight all your battles on your knees, and you’ll win every time.”   We all agreed that from the moment he spoke, we all felt such comfort.  And by the way, he said “Now watch this” seven times -- I made tally marks on my church bulletin.  I will frame that.

And want to hear a great story?  At the beginning of summer, I wrote an article to submit to the Guideposts writing contest.  Twelve winners were going to be selected to win an all expense-paid trip to Washington over October 15th through the 19th.  I had finally condensed my cancer journey into a 1,500-word article that I actually thought had a chance of winning.  I printed it out, addressed the envelope, put a lot of postage on that big envelope and then let it sit on my desk.  “Lord, is this where you want me to be on October 15th?” I asked.  Never having peace with sending it, I missed the deadline and tucked it away.  Notice the dates I’ve been in Georgia?  I think there’s something to this thing called obedience!  :)

On our way back to the airport, we spent a few hours in downtown Atlanta.  We walked through Olympic Park, saw the CNN and American Cancer Society buildings, and had a great time at the Georgia Aquarium.  And no shopping -- it was a good day for Rachel!

So these past seven days have just been a dream come true.  We were surrounded by Southern hospitality, gorgeous scenery and great food.  I didn’t pass out any cancer necklaces, but I did leave one for a Georgia artist who is known by the locals as “cap man” as he nails an old bottle cap on to every piece of art work he completes.  He also has nailed over 100,000 old bottle caps onto his truck.  If anyone deserves the name “cap man,” I think this guy does.

So here are just a few of the highlights from our trip...

Our first night in North Carolina making s’mores and wearing matching pjs to celebrate Rachel’s 11th birthday.

One of many steeple churches.  My favorite thing to see!

A country club in North Carolina.  I don’t golf, but I would certainly learn to play here!

One of the charming homes in Sandy’s neighborhood. 

 It's so not a cottage, but I'll take it!

A sweet ol’ boy named Bucky Jones who greets people in a furniture store.  I needed to love on this boy ‘cus I missed my own!

One of the cute bathrooms in the Southern Living Idea House...

My favorite photo of Rachel and I outside the cute stores in North Carolina.  They're all decorated with mums and pumpkins...

An amazing old Southern home on Green Street...

And leaving the best for last...

Us girls standing in front of Charles Stanley’s church.  

We made it!!!

Thank you, Lord, for a very special trip.  And thank you to Donna’s family for welcoming Rachel and I with open, lovin' Southern arms!

Be Still...

So a few months back, my husband and I were having dinner with friends.  The question was asked, “What living person would you most love to have dinner with?”

Well, given my very bad memory (despite chemo), I can’t remember any of the names that were mentioned that night.  But I do remember who I said I wanted to have dinner with.

“Charles Stanley.”  

Given that our friends are Jewish, they both said, “Who?”  Some hot guy in a band, a gorgeous actor?  Nope.  Just an old pastor out of Georgia who I’ve loved for some time now.  You can catch him on tv and he’s on the radio every morning at 9:30.  I try and stay home ‘til he’s done preaching, or I’ll sit in my car til 10 a.m. in a parking lot.  I just love the guy.

So this morning’s message is something I want to share with all of you.

He spoke about “being still” -- my motto for the past five years of my life.  “Be still and know that I am God.”  (Psalm 46:10) He broke down that succinct scripture beautifully in 22 minutes.   As only he can do.  I love when he says in his Southern drawl, “Now watch this...”  Oh, I’m watchin’, Charles!  (Does anyone call him Chuck, I wonder?)  I doubt it.  

But if any of you wonder how a mom with cancer can see this  as a gift, then I thought by hearing his message, it may help you figure me out a little better.  Most importantly, it may help you ride out a storm in your own life with peace that surpasses all understanding.  Got 22 minutes?  I so hope so!

So here’s his link:  

http://www.intouch.org/broadcast/audio-archives.

  When you get there, click on Radio.  Then click on Radio Archives.  Then click on today’s broadcast, 

                    “Confidence in the Midst of Distress.”

And just to let you know, Donna, Rachel and I are headed to Georgia in two weeks.  The girl (me) who has issues with flying, just booked 4 flights to and from Georgia (notice I didn’t say direct flights!) to spend a week with Donna’s family and friends.  And guess who cannot wait to sit in church and listen to Charles Stanley speak?  Me! Me! Me!  Donna texted me last Sunday and wrote, “Guess who turned 80 today!?”  And I said, “He better not die or retire by next month, or I’m gonna’ kill him!”

So please find 22 minutes to be still today or tonight.  Then  listen to his beautiful message about truly being still...

Gentle Nudging...

I got into bed last night and felt like I was lying on top and beneath enormous marshmallows.  The feather bed and down comforter engulfed me in comfort.  My cat settling on my chest was the cherry on the top.  Boy, I am sooo comfortable, I thought.  And then my next thought was, I so know I am not going to fall asleep.   I wrestled with turning the tv on.  Isn’t a Housewives re-run on?  I wondered.  I chose to pray instead.  

Closing my eyes, I said, “Lord, thank you for dying on the cross for me.  Thank you for forgiving me of my sins. Thank you for lavishing me with blessings.”   I then began praying for those in need.  Including me.  

Just then, I felt a nudge.  His nudge.  Go clean out that big basket beside the bed.   (I’m getting so much better now at obeying those nudges than ignoring them.)

So I moved my cat off of me and threw back my covers.   I grabbed that big basket and set it in front of me on the bed.  Opening the lid, I saw that is was packed to the brim with stuff I’ve been meaning to go through -- old summer camp receipts, get well cards (I’m tryin’!) and lots of inspirational pictures I’ve ripped from magazines.    And then I saw a book.

“Cancer: 50 Essential Things To Do” by Greg Anderson.  I’m not sure if I bought this for myself or if someone had given it to me.  (If you did, please email me and let me know!)  But I found it very strange that a book of mine was in this basket because, to my knowledge, I don’t keep any of my books in this basket.  

But upon opening it, I immediately felt convicted.  You see, last night we had friends over for dinner.  And although I ate a healthy meal, I ate an unhealthy amount of chocolate chip cookies when everyone left.   The sugar addict in me has been out in full force lately.  

Several months ago, sitting exactly where I am now (in my backyard), the Lord, in response to my asking for help regarding the way I should be eating (raw vs. “normal”) answered me in scripture: 

“So do not worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?  These thoughts dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly father already knows all of your needs.  Seek the Kingdom of God above all else and live righteously, and He will give you everything you need.’”  Matthew 6:31-33.

Well, that gave me a little bit of freedom to “eat, (I don’t drink) and be merry!”  But at the same time, I need to be responsible.  And I know that cancer loves sugar.  So do I.   And I also know that the Lord’s words of healing over me did not come with any strings attached.  “If you eat sugar, I will not heal you!”  No, I just know better.  I also know in reading that book last night, that I was convicted that I’m not exercising.  Isn’t running to and from thrift stores exercise?  I think not.  I dress for the occasion.  I just don’t ever show up to the occasion.

Prior to finding the book last night, I was again asking God, “Why did I feel led to go to Chicago last year?”  And in reading this book, I believe I have my answer.  Because an INTEGRATIVE approach, for me, is what God is calling me to do.

If I had thousands of dollars in my cancer account, I would be ordering this book by the hundreds and giving them out to people.  I think everyone, with or without a cancer diagnosis, should be reading it.   Few of us are taking care of the bodies, the temples that God has blessed us with, the way He intended.   

Integrative care of our bodies involves medicine, nutrition, exercise, attitude, support and a spiritual perspective.   

Two of my favorite paragraphs (and there are many!) from this book are these: 

“Survivors tend to undergo a spiritual transformation that is quite deep.  (Hello?)  For thousands of people, it becomes the central focus of their entire lives.  In essence, they become new people.

...In a very real sense, survivors have come to let God work in and through them.  Marianne Kegan, an ovarian cancer survivor, explained the essential nature of the spiritual walk.  She said, ‘Now, when I walk into a room, I am there serving as God’s representative.’  For millions of cancer survivors, this is the apex of the healing journey.”

Love that Marianne Kegan, an ovarian cancer survivor, and I feel the same way.

Another favorite paragraph:

“Elaine’s choice of treatment is clearly not the answer for everyone.  But following one’s conviction is an important element of nearly every successful treatment program.  Today, nineteen years after her initial diagnosis (of ovarian cancer!), Elaine’s cancer remains in remission, and she leads a full and happy life.”  

Gotta love that one!

And just one more:

“ I see it [cancer] as a gift,” said singer Olivia Newton-John about her journey through breast cancer.  “I know it sounds strange.  But I don’t think I would have grown in the areas I did without this experience.”

I always knew I liked her!  Love that someone else sees this journey as a gift too.

So as I embark later this afternoon on my fourth treatment in three years, I am confident  that the Lord is with me.  Guiding me.  Whispering to me.  Nudging me.  

Is He nudging you?

4345...

Know what I was doing 19 years ago today?  I was getting married to a guy I had met in a parking lot on my 21st birthday.  Six years later, we were married.  And 19 years after that (today), we were sitting in an oncologist's office.  Who woulda' thought?

As I've said before, God knew that Ed was meant for me.  Know how I know?  

Read on...

So the moment that I laid eyes on Ed, I turned to my girlfriend and said, "There's my husband."  Truth be told, I had a boyfriend at the time so I shouldn't have even noticed him.  But I did.  

We went out the very next night after I broke up with my boyfriend.  And on our first date, I could have given him my left hand and said, "the rings goes right here."  But I have a little more class than that.  Just a little.

So, even though I knew I wanted to marry Ed, did God want me to?  I began praying for His guidance.   Two years later, around Christmas time, I noticed a small box under the tree.  

"Hmmm.  I wonder what that is," he said while pointing it out.  I was devastated.  We had gone to his jeweler about a month earlier to get his watch fixed and I had tried on an engagement ring.  Now there it was under the tree.  Where was my surprise proposal?  But more importantly, where was my answer from God?

That night, knowing the proposal was coming,  I took my bible and went into the bathroom and sat on the floor.  

As I leaned my back against the wall, I cried, "Lord, I have been asking you for two years if Ed is the man you want me to marry.  And I haven't heard a thing from you.  If you say no, I will walk away.  Ed will kill me, but I will.  I just want to obey you."

Within seconds, the numbers 4345 came to my mind (Ed's address at the time).  Psalms 43, 45 to be exact.  Now just to let you know, I rarely read my bible.  To prove to you that I rarely opened up that beautiful book, I didn't even know if the Psalms went up to 45.  

As I turned to Psalm 43, it read --

"Why so discouraged?  Why is my heart so sad?  I will put my hope in God!  I will praise Him again - my savior and my God!"

Given that I had asked God for two years if this was the man for me, I would say that I felt absolutely discouraged when I received no answer, no direction.  When I saw that word "discouraged", it took my breath away.  When I saw the following verse, it took more than my breath away.

Psalm 45:10 --

"Listen to me, O royal daughter; take to heart what I say.  Forget your people and your family far away.  For your royal husband delights in your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord.

The princess of Tyre will shower you with gifts.  The wealthy will beg your favor.  The bride, a princess, looks glorious in her golden gown.  In her beautiful robe, she is led to the king accompanied by her bridesmaids.  What a joyful and enthusiastic procession as they enter the king's palace!"

OK, so now I was actually scared.  I was scared to be in the bathroom with the Holy Spirit as He gave those words to me.  Nothing like this had ever happened to me before.  The feeling that God -- God!-- was with me in that tiny bathroom in Calabasas was a feeling I will never forget.  In fact, it's the same exact feeling I felt when God gave me the words of healing one year ago in my family room.

When they call the Bible the living Bible, I get it.

I so get it.

So though we've had our highs and lows in 19 years of marriage, I have always known that I have a foundation from God to stand on.  Though I have said, "I'm done!" a few more times than I can count, I knew I never would be.   I live to be obedient to God.  Even if it hurts sometimes.

So this afternoon my husband and I spent our anniversary in my oncologist's office.  The new plan is that I begin a new regimen this Friday of chemo every two weeks and a daily chemo pill at night.   In case you're wondering, I won't lose my hair.  And I'm grateful.  Because I've been sporting a new hairdo that I actually like.  And if I recall what I looked like when my hair grew in (picture pubic hair all over my head!), I am really glad I get to keep it!

   

So, Sweetie, I dedicate this post to you.  Happy Anniversary.  The card I got you (spoiler alert!) reads:

I need you

I want you

I love you.

Today

Tomorrow 

and Always.

Happy Anniversary.  

I look forward to 19 more.
By the way, I drove over to our old condo today and took a photo of our old address.  
I love that address.
See above.